


How Kronya Became A Wingman

by Gale_Breeze



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: F/F, and it wasnt, kronya is so fed up with human bullshit, she was told this would be fast murder, wingman kronya au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:08:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27147157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gale_Breeze/pseuds/Gale_Breeze
Summary: In which Kronya is suddenly hit with a wave of overwhelming somewhat mediocre terror at having to deal with teenage hormones.
Relationships: Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth
Comments: 6
Kudos: 109





	How Kronya Became A Wingman

Those Who Slither In The Dark. The survivors of an ancient genocide, all aligned against all who still worshipped The Goddess, against the descendants of Seiros, against all who proudly walked in the light. Even now, their vile machinations are in motion to manipulate the land of Fodlan. Who knew where they would strike next? When would they act? Who would they kill? Truly, they were the greatest threat to Fodlan that anyone had ever seen.

"Hey Hubie, lemme steal some of your snackodos!" Monica laughed.

Hubert physically recoiled like he'd been stabbed. "How dare you ravage language in such a manner? I refuse, you fool."

"Aw, you're not gonna share, Hubie? Hub? Huberto? Hubear? Hubonbon? Hubby? Come on, Hubby. Gimme those snackodos," Monica said cheerfully.

Nearby, Dorothea chewed on her morning toast and stared at the display with some amount of morbid interest. "You know," she said conversationally. "I've never actually seen somebody with a deathwish before. It's fascinating."

It was two or three days after Monica's supposed "rescue" and she was already fed up with this entire assignment. The only good things about it were mocking Hubert and messing with Edel, and even that was starting to wear thin. See, Kronya had been fucking lied to back home? About how this assignment was gonna play out?

See, Kronya was under this WILD ASSUMPTION that as an assassin, she'd be killing people. Or at the very least, popping in every now and then to threaten the lives of people Edel cared about, and then fuck off for a good week or two. But Solon, the old bastard, had told her that she'd have to be at this damn Academy full time wearing this stupid disguise in order to spy on the students.

Also, she'd have to pretend to like her job.

So first thing: Kronya was an assassin. She killed people. Spying wasn't something she exactly excelled at. Because again. Kronya was an assassin.

This skillset had meant that, in the face of a surge of hormonal teenage bullshit, she'd have to pull every ounce of her patience and pretend like she actually gave a shit. Like fucking hell, she'd thought she was done with this shit. Her own teenage years had been torture enough, but this... This was somehow even worse.

THE POINT IS: Kronya signed up for some mild terrorizing and fearmongering, and got the worst damn job in the history of Shambhala. The moment she got home, she was putting in a transfer to work for Myson. Only intelligent manager in Shambhala, she swore...

So Kronya was walking along, pretending to be a pathetic human being, when she heard Edel start to talk to somebody next to the big fancy pond. And ew, it was possible to hear all the longing in her voice. Eugh. Kronya hid in a shadow and watched carefully.

Edel was, for some fucking reason, talking to the terrifyingly dangerous woman that was apparently a teacher here. Well. This'd be halfway decent gossip to feed Solon, she guessed.

"Edelgard," the woman said blankly. Ugh, how could anybody stand listening to her talk? It was fucking terrifying. "I've been wanting to talk to you all day."

"I see. What did you want to talk about, my teacher?" To most people, that sounded totally normal. To Kronya, it sounded like Edelgard was panting with every word. Holy shit, Edel, get a hold of yourself. "I was about to retire for the night. You're lucky you caught me."

The blue haired woman - what was her name anyway? - proceeded to pull an entire bouquet of roses from her coat and handed it over. "It reminded me of you. Because they're red. Like you." Oh holy shit, what the fuck had Kronya stumbled into?

Somehow, possibly to spite Kronya, Edelgard found this poetry amazing and went red as her tights. "R-Really? That's... Lovely! Very lovely!" she rambled like a deranged lunatic. "Just like you! I mean, uh, your hair! Your hair is. Very lovely." What the fuck is Kronya even watching right now.

The blue haired chick nodded and gave the faintest smile possible. "You don't have to lie, Edelgard. My hair isn't that nice." Bitch, are you serious. BITCH, ARE YOU SERIOUS. "Your hair is much nicer than mine." Holy shit, what is this. Edel was going to die if she blushed any harder.

To the dismay of the entire universe, the conversation continued. "Oh, y-you think so? Well, that's. Very, um. Interesting." Kronya prayed to the heathen goddess of Fodlan to kill her right now. Being a monster, said goddess did not grant her wish. "Um, my teacher. I was wondering if you wanted to have tea. With me. If that wasn't clear." This was what the Agarthan people had pinned their hopes on? Truly?

The blue haired chick nodded as fast as physically possible. "Oh yes. I'd like that. It'd be very enjoyable." Take the hint, Edel. TAKE THE FUCKING HINT. "I actually found out that there's a specific type of Bergamot made in Enbarr, so... I bought some and had it shipped here. I'd like to share it with you."

Love was in the air. It was disgusting, if you asked Kronya. "Yes! I would like that!" Oh, thank fuck. Maybe now the sickening amount of sexual tension would drop. And then panic crossed across Edel's face. "As friends!" NO. FUCK. YOU DUMB FUCKING STUPID LESBIAN.

The blue haired chick froze for a full minute. "Yes. As friends. That's what we are. Just friends." It was genuinely taking all of Kronya's determination not to scream right now. This was the fucking dumbest thing she'd ever seen. "Well. I suppose I will see you for tea tomorrow. As friends." And then she left. 

Immediately, a horrifying realization kicked into Kronya's mind. There were still months of the school year left to go. And if Kronya wasn't let go from her duties at that point, she might be expected to keep hanging around Edelgard after the year was over. Meaning that it was entirely possible Kronya would have to keep hanging around, listening to this stupid schoolgirl pining for a year or even longer.

Kronya refused this timeline. 

She immediately jumped out from her hiding spot and grabbed Edel by her lame chest ribbon thingy in order to start yelling. "Are you a FUCKING IDIOT?! That was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen!" Seriously, there should be an award for that kind of stupid. "She was totally into you! And you BLEW it!"

Edel glared. Very adorable, thinking it frightened Kronya in any way. "So I suppose you heard all that. I'll admit, I do find the Professor fascinating. But the Professor has no interest in me at all." What the FUCK was she talking about? "She merely accepted an invitation to tea with me. Nothing more or less."

There was a loud groan as Hubert creeped out from his own hiding place. Shit, the fishing hut... No wonder she hadn't seen him, it cut off her sightline entirely. "Lady Edelgard. I truly despise that these words are coming out of my mouth, but... She is rraggugh. Reyeeengmh. Raah. Ruugh." He closed his eyes and focused for a moment. "She. Is. Right."

"Hey, you did it man. You got the words out," Kronya congratulated. She wasn't even lying.

"Don't insult me," Hubert hissed.

Edelgard stared at both of them. "What are you talking about? At no point did the Professor even begin to insinuate that she was... Attracted to me." Kronya truly wanted to know what fucking conversation Edelgard heard.

"She got you roses," Hubert replied shortly. An entire bouquet! Like, what the fuck else could you possibly take that as?! Oh yeah, a bouquet of roses that represents our entirely platonic relationship! EDEL WAS SORT OF FUCKING STUPID. "That tea she ordered, Saint's Bergamot? That is her salary for an entire month."

What?! Holy shit, that much for some fucking leaves?! Wow, this was so much worse than she thought. "That much?! Edel, what the fuck is wrong with you?! Go kiss that woman right now!"

There was this moment where Edel blushed and sputtered for a bit before glaring indignantly. "Why do you care?!"

"Honestly? The idea that I might have to put up with you pining after her ass for months on end scares me to my fucking core," Kronya replied honestly. Hubert nodded, though he looked sort of disturbed to be agreeing with her. "Now listen. You're a disgusting human being, and your mere existence is a blight upon my fucking mind, but I would rather help you get laid than have to listen to you daydream about your nightmare crush."

And thus began the story of how a professional sociopathic assassin and an obsessively loyal poisoner tried to set the Emperor of Adrestia up with a feral mercenary.

**Author's Note:**

> dont ask for this to be continued but hubert and kronya totally hatefuck at some point


End file.
